


i hate you (i love you)

by silverkatana



Category: Super Junior
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-20
Updated: 2019-02-20
Packaged: 2019-11-01 06:35:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17862191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silverkatana/pseuds/silverkatana
Summary: because i love you -and you can't see it, can you?





	i hate you (i love you)

“Hello?” 

 

To say that Jungsoo knows not to get too surprised by anything is an understatement; to say that he is not surprised upon receiving the call at two or so in the morning is an overstatement.

 

It’s hard to hear over the din of thumping music, beats sounding so loudly the vibrations that they cause almost tangible over the phone, and he has to put the phone on speaker to hear the voice of whoever is calling him. “Hello? Is this Leeteuk?” the one on the other side yells over the noise, and Jungsoo double-checks to see the caller display - it  _ does _ say Kim Heechul, but unless sleep has clogged his mind, the voice does not resemble Heechul’s (and he should know, he’s been working with Heechul for such a long time).

 

“Who is this?” he questions warily, “And why are you calling from Heechul’s phone?”

 

There’s a chuckle, a dry one. “This is Kiseok,” comes the answer, and Jungsoo takes a moment to place the name to a face. “Simon Dominic,” he supplies helpfully after a brief pause, and Jungsoo lets out a soft ‘ah’ in recognition of the AOMG rapper who had been a close friend of Heechul for many years.

 

“So,” he’s not close to Kiseok, since the members never really met Heechul’s other friends all that often, and the awkward tension lingering between them is clear even through the phone call, “Why are you calling me?”

 

“Heechul’s drunk as fuck,” Kiseok states flatly, causing Jungsoo to cringe in realisation. “He’s a mess right now and I’m really hoping you’d come to collect him because I have no idea what to do with him.”

 

For a moment, Jungsoo considers throwing his phone across the bed and crashing back into sleep and forgetting anything ever happened - it takes him a total of one second of silence to make up his mind.

 

“I’ll come and get him,” he grunts tiredly, dragging his exhausted body off the bed and ignoring the way his limbs screamed in protest. “Send me the address, will you?”

 

He’s the last person any of the members probably would volunteer as a driver, and Heechul makes that clear to him in a very loud outcry of slurred vocal protests as Kiseok and Jin - probably only the two sober enough to be of any help - shove him into Jungsoo’s car at two forty-seven in the morning.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Jungsoo,” Heechul mumbles out, “Go home and sleep.”

 

“I would be, if not for you,” Jungsoo hisses back through gritted teeth as he steps on the accelerator, “Why did you have to go to the club?”

 

He’s met with a loud snoring noise as Heechul’s head falls against the car window in his prompt falling asleep, and all the words that are caught in his throat escape in the form of a weighted sigh that filters in irregular breaths slipping past his lips.

 

_ Don’t go to the club and drink yourself silly all the time. _

 

_ Don’t go around getting in trouble and putting your reputation at risk. _

 

_ Don’t go around kissing girls whose faces you won’t remember. _

 

_ Sometimes, I think I hate you. _

 

The traffic lights switch to red, and Jungsoo allows his gaze to shift over to Heechul - he’s slumped mostly against the car door, his chest moving up and down in a regular rhythm, eyes fluttered shut and mouth parted ever-so-slightly.

 

_ Don’t be selfish, and don’t go hanging around outside so late into the night. _

 

_ I hate you sometimes when you go and get yourself drunk like this, because in the end when they call I’ll always come. _

 

_ Don’t be selfish, and don’t keep living this way. _

 

_ Don’t make me worried all the damn time for you, Heechul. _

 

He’s ripped from his thoughts when the traffic lights switch to green again, a painfully bright emerald hue stark against the gray-black tint of the night sky. His car begins to ease into motion again, a lone vehicle creasing along a stretched-out road in its solitary path back home.

 

His heart hurts suddenly, and he doesn’t quite know why.

 

_ Of course it’s because of Heechul, _ his mind whispers bitterly,  _ of course it’s always him. _

 

_ Stop always making me worry about you, won’t you? _

 

As Jungsoo steps on the accelerator and begins to course along the road leading the way back home, he misses the way Heechul shifts just a little in his seat, re-adjusting his head’s position against the car’s frosted-over glass window and curling his fingers a little into the hem of his coat.

 

He misses the way Heechul bites down on his lip as if holding himself back from speaking, the way Heechul’s breaths move in irregular patterns, unsteady and hesitant, as though afraid that if he breathed louder he might draw attention, misses the way Heechul’s eyes flutter open just the slightest to glance at the smear of city lights passing in blurs outside the car window in the dim of the three am morning.

 

He missed the way Heechul leaned into the car seat and against the window in a thought-out action, made to seem as natural as possible, missed the way Heechul forced snores to sound past his burning vocal cords, missed the way Heechul stiffened as the car glided to a halt at the red lights.

 

And as the car began moving again at the green light, he missed the single tear that slid down Heechul’s cheek, catching the faint spread of light outside the car window like a fine thread of moonlight reflected against his pale skin.

 

He missed the way Heechul’s heart ached in its painful rhythms in accordance with his, he missed the way silent cries built their way into Heechul’s soul, and he missed the way unsaid pleas crossed into Heechul’s mind.

 

_ Jungsoo, why is it always you who comes to my side? _

 

_ Why are you always here? _

 

_ You should stop coming every time. _

 

_ Stop being so selfless. _

 

_ Go home and get some sleep. _

 

_ Sometimes, I think I hate you. _

 

Heechul shifts as he feels the car halt again, and when he feels Jungsoo’s gaze run over his still body he only shuts his eyes tighter and curls himself deeper into the car seat.

 

_ When I see you going around with people whose names are always on your tongue and whose faces are always on your mind, it hurts. _

 

_ When I see you being so happy without me, it hurts. _

 

_ When I drink, I forget you exist for a while, so it doesn’t hurt anymore. _

 

_ But then every time I get drunk, you’re always there, always, like a ghost coming back to haunt me that I can’t seem to hide from. _

 

_ Can’t you see - it is so hard to stop when you are the very person I’m trying to leave behind? _

 

_ Can’t you see how hard it is when you’re always there? _

 

_ Can’t you be a little more selfish? _

 

_ Can’t you stop coming, can’t you stop being so nice to me? _

 

_ It’s always you. All the damn time. The one on my mind when I’m not the one on yours. _

 

Heechul feels Jungsoo’s hand on his shoulder shaking him awake, and he dully notes that the car has ceased motion. “Wake up,” Jungsoo whispers in his soft tone, “We’re home.”

 

Before he slaps on his facade of being freshly awoken, he twists his head further away from Jungsoo, making sure to wipe away the tear lingering on his skin - and then he adjusts his facial features into a well-trained expression, facing Jungsoo with cloudy eyes. “Let’s go,” he grunts in an oddly familiar tone of voice, half-stumbling and half-getting off the car with clumsy steps.

 

He lets Jungsoo walk ahead of him, watching the slim frame of the man as he opens the door and gestures for him to hurry.

 

_ If you didn’t pick me up, or if you slammed the door in my face and left me out in the cold, if you stopped being so nice to me… _

 

_ It would be a lot easier, you know? _

 

_ I hate you for being so nice. _

 

“You should stop being so nice to me,” he blurts out, his mind genuinely half-clogged with alcohol, and he only realises that he’s said it after Jungsoo turns to stare at him.

 

“If I don’t be nice, who’s going to be nice?” he laughs light-heartedly.

 

Heechul meets his gaze.

 

_ If you stop being so nice, it would make it a lot easier for me to hate you. _

 

_ To forget you. _

 

_ To pretend everything never existed. That ‘we’ were just ‘me’ and ‘you’.  _

 

“I don’t know,” he whispers, and his voice cracks in the silence.

 

_ I hate you for always being there for me. _

 

When the tears slip out of his eyes before he can blink them away, Jungsoo’s already there wiping them away.

 

_ Because I love you. _

 

_ And you can’t see it, can you? _

 

He smiles wretchedly, pushing past Jungsoo and ridding of the tears on his cheeks with a few rough swipes of the back of his hand. “Go to sleep,” he says hoarsely, “I’ll be fine by myself.”

 

“No, you won’t be,” Jungsoo insists, and in that odd motherly way of his, he begins fussing over Heechul - preparing hangover remedies for the morning, making sure Heechul has a sufficiently warm blanket and comfortable pillow for the night, a bucket just in case he feels the need to throw up.

 

Heechul stares numbly at him.

 

_ Of course you can’t see it. _

 

_ That’s why you’re still being so nice to me. _

 

_ Don’t hurt me like this, will you? _

 

_ I hate you,  _ his mind whispers as Jungsoo wishes him goodnight and he echoes it back hollowly, closing his eyes in an attempt to attempt the subdued whisper of his heart;  _ I love you. _

  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!


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